I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
