I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Randomize
