If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
