I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
