saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
