sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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