I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
