you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
