I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I can feel your judgement through the phone
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
