Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
