im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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