we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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