she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
