So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
