Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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