She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
