Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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