i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Randomize
