I think I died a long time ago.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
