Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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