I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The beers last night were like the tears from god
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
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