My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Randomize
