Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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