I should be sponsored by Trojan
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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