I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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