I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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