The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
