ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Randomize