but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
