my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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