Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
