I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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