the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
