i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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