You're my little dorito
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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