I wanna bring you to show and tell
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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