When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
