just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
