Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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