apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
