So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
