Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
