the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
