I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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