I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
