woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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