I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
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