the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
