Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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