So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Randomize
