She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
