When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
