Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
