So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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