I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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