Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
